Thursday, September 20, 2012
My Stupid Pain
Please take note that I am very mad and very upset. Before going any farther in my spill about life I would like to take this time to apologize to everyone who I offend, make fun of, upset, or disencourage. It was not my intention to be this way but in my defense; like everyone else- I am brainwashed. Here is the truth.
I am happy. I am kind. I am loving. I never thought this would happen to me. I never meant to let it get this far. I never wanted it to be like this nor did I mean to hurt you. I never meant to scream or cry or make myself utterly sick. It just happened that way.
Everything has gone wrong horrible. for starters I lost my boyfriend of three years. When you run to him in tears because you feel insecure (on your three year anniversary) because he has been spending more time with another girl than you. You dont expect him to simply say he needs time away from you. And if this has never happened to you then congradulations, im proud. But the only way to describe it (forgive me world) is like watching twilight. How many people loved twilight before it was popular? Before the movies. before the cults? How many of you felt your insides wrench when edward left and told bella not to do anything stupid? Ok, this is exactly how I felt. He literally took my swollen,mascara smeared, red face in his hands and said "Chas, just don't do anything stupid." ARE YOU SERIOUS?! This was wrong on a couple of different levels; first being that when we met the first words he said to me were 'please don't kill yourself.' And the second level is the fact that yes he just quoted twilight in a time of Crisis pain. I wanted to punch him so bad but I couldnt even look at him because I was doubled over in pain, I was gagging, coughing and in a sense dieing. Everything that had been said between us just came crashing down in the time of an hour or so. He said he needed time to think, anyone who has heard this phrase come out of their lovers mouth knows that it means 'I need time to figure out how to break up with you and feel good about it.' Who does that? I blame society for my pain by the way. If people didnt wrap their life around the idea of love then we wouldn't have 'heart break' death cases. I'm not saying I am going to die. I am saying the world has brainwashed us. Our love was real and still is real but it was over run by commercials for engagement rings and romance books and the need to be a perfect partner. Soap operas show us that it is ok to break peoples heart even if it breaks ours to. If you love someone don't worry there is another person you could love just the same! THIS IS THE END OF OUR GENERATION! Now days people are gettingmarried at the ages of sixteen and seventeen. I am so proud that I am not married yet! Yes, I take pride in that but I would like to have started a life with him. It was all I could do to show him how much I loved him for real. What happens when our children start marrying at the age of ten or eleven because folks thats where it is headed. Now I know many of you are thinking 'Jesus this woman is going off because some guy doesn't love her.' I am not taking it out on the world. Trust me, you would hate to see that one. I woke up this morning and decided I wasn't going to let anyone know how hurt I was. I got up a hour earlier, I fixed braekfast including some for a girl in the lobby and then I participated more in class. I gavemy opinion on a ton of things and I genuinly fake smiled. I sat outside under a big oak tree and read some of my book, hid in my favorite spot on campus (no one can find me) and did homework. I cried, yes I did. Crying is essential and healthy even though you feel like shit shit.